where are you going when everything ends? 🌹

the most personal thing i’ve ever written.

i live in brasov (romania), a city held on every side by mountains, and the air here was always cold. the summers were always colder; we rarely reached 30+ degrees. this year, though, in the month of june, we hit 25 degrees, which was weird. it was a july temperature. today (when i am writing this) is the 30th of july, august is basically here, and the forecast says 7 of the next 10 days will hit 30+ degrees during the day and 15+ degrees at night. i know summer is summer, but this is still weird. we also used to have real winters, with real snow that stayed on the ground for months. now it’s only on the mountains, or in the forests. the winters have gone soft and short, and even the air itself feels different now.

you may be saying to yourself that this is a weird thing to open an essay with, but it actually isn’t. i mean i’ve watched many things stop behaving like themselves in the past years, but the weather gave me an even bigger signal that something is wrong.

i had a conversation with my best friend the other day. he told me that the biggest problem with our society is the endless and constant chase of money. and i completely agreed, because that’s the root of everything i don’t like about how humanity is now. even the richest people alive still want more of it, more influence, more relationships, more, more, more, and more, even if they already have more than a person could spend across a hundred lifetimes. and this type of behavior bled down into all of us. it made us greedy and cold.

the nature of most relationships between humans these days is a transactional one. we first have to see what the other person can do for us, and only then fully decide whether saying hello is actually worth it. and while i believe that social media has played a role in this, i don’t think it’s the one to blame. we built it in our own image, and now it hands our worst instincts back to us, faster than ever before. the same hunger that burns through the planet burns through our timelines and our hearts. nothing feels how it felt a decade ago. and i am talking about the whole vibe of being alive right now. it’s different, it’s worse, and i was lost inside all of it.

for most of the last decade i was trying to build something for myself. one business, then another, then a brand, then another venture, and so on. all of them failed. i also loved streetwear, art, making stuff, and so many others but i never really found my place in any of it. i was always so restless in a way that i couldn’t even explain, every single time.

and when the ai boom hit, i was there. i’d been playing with dall-e and chatgpt since 2022 and instead of feeling early i somehow felt more lost than ever. even in the past year, everyone started vibe coding, building or creating things, and i kept asking myself what i was even supposed to actually be doing. i wanted to know what my real thing was because that’s the only thing that could succeed. and that was the obsession underneath. this need to make it was my real engine, and it was eating me alive.

then, this year, on the 1st of march, everything changed for me.

---

---

it was a sunday evening, a day after the war started in the middle east, and it scared me more than the war between russia and ukraine ever did, even though that one is right next to my country. this one actually scared me. i was out with my best friend and his girlfriend that evening when my mother messaged me about the war in iran. she’s a doctor, and she told me about certain things being prepared here in romania, which are the kind of measures that only get put in motion when war is actually coming. my mother has been walking with God faithfully for almost two decades, and many years ago she told me about a war that will happen at some point, one that’s written about in the Bible. when i remembered that thing everything clicked for me, as i realized it all has to do with what’s written there, and that it’s actually really, really serious. i then lit a cigarette and stood at the back of his car, smoking and thinking about all of it, as i always did when i was concerned.

“where are you going when everything comes to an end?”

that’s the thought that a clear voice gave me while i was in the middle of that thinking.

and i already knew that when everything was gone, nothing good was waiting for me, because i didn’t live in a way to deserve something good when it all comes to an end. and that thought pushed me toward God, because standing there i understood that only He could actually save me. that was the day when i started reading the Bible more seriously. that was the night when i started wanting to know Him.

the first thing i wanted to let go of was the cigarettes, because it was the worst and most obvious habit i had. for years, i’d told myself quitting was easy, that i could do it whenever i decided to. that’s what i also bragged about. but when i actually tried, i couldn’t. and it was proven again and again.

and yet, three or four days after the real desire to quit took hold in me, it was done. i was actually freed from it. it left me so completely that if i didn’t carry the memory of having smoked, i would swear i never had. it’s still mind-blowing to me. the craving simply wasn’t there anymore. i know my own decision mattered. i know i had to truly desire to be done with it. but i also know that regardless of how much i wanted it i could have never done it alone.

in our chat the other day, my best friend told me that no matter how much he looks, he can’t find a single person without a vice except me. if they’re not smoking, they’re drinking, if they’re not drinking, they’re gambling, and if they’re doing none of those, there’s always something else. but i don’t want to take credit for any of this as i don’t deserve any of it, because without God i wouldn’t have got rid of any of them and this change in myself would’ve been completely inexistent.

other things have shifted as well in my life. in these past months, when i’ve needed help with something, especially with money, it came. that had never happened to me before. not like this. my father always supported me and helped me whenever i needed, but i’ve rarely found myself in situations that kept arranging themselves in my favor, again and again, in ways i only realized after the thing was done. i was truly taken care of, and i don’t have a more sophisticated word for it than blessed. (don’t imagine that i am wealthy. i am not, at least not materially. i am mostly referring to money to survive “another day”, which is more than i could ever want or need.)

this change in my life also changed the way i see the world around me. it is fleeting. everything is fleeting. the success, the money, the house, the cars, the friends, the whole pile of things we spend our lives reaching for. all of it is just passing through our hands, slipping through our fingers as we try to close them around it. none of it stays and none of it holds any weight at the end of the day. absolutely none of it. i always thought of myself as a kind and empathetic person, but i think i am only now becoming an actually kind one, now that i’ve stopped measuring every single thing by whether it helps me win.

and i am more at peace than i’ve ever been. not fully, as i can’t be fully. but more than ever. if the war comes, i am no longer afraid of it. i could go right now and i would be alright. and this is not a small thing for me to be able to say. a few months ago i could not even have thought about it.

this is the most personal thing i’ve ever written, and i almost didn’t. God is unfortunately a sensitive subject, so i know exactly how it can sound. for most of my life i wasn’t open to any of this either. not even a little. so i understand completely if you’re reading this with your arms crossed. i am not asking you to agree with me. i am asking you to be open the way i eventually managed to be open, and out of curiosity, to start reading the Bible for yourself. if you have questions about my experience or any other, feel free to leave them in the comments or message me privately, whatever you prefer. i will talk about it honestly with anyone, wherever you happen to stand on it. (i’ll limit myself to what i understand, know, or have experienced.)

the world is changing, my friends, and as much as i would love to tell you that good times are coming, i don’t believe they are. look at what’s happening in the world. it will only go down from here.

but i am at peace with what’s coming. i found the one thing that isn’t fleeting, right as everything else started slipping through my fingers, and it left me able to face what’s ahead without being afraid of it.

i want that for you too. whatever happens, i want you at peace.

and there’s only one way to find it.🌹